How do you really greet or what kind of greeting would you give someone/to the family of the departed? My aunts and I had a short discussion on this years ago while visiting my grandma’s ossuary on her death anniversary. When we arrived [while putting flowers] my aunt greeted her Mom “Mommy, happy death anniversary!” someone, also visiting their departed one overheard it and looked at us and giggled. After greeting my grandmother, my aunt asked us, “Pano nga ba binabati pag death anniversary?” We did not bother anymore discussing it any further. We just greeted her again happy death anniversary.
Five years ago, on THIS day, I have decided to take a chance that I thought might change my life FOREVER. Well, it did, but not the way I was expecting it to be. Five years ago, on THIS day, at around 4 in the afternoon on the 3rd floor of the high school department of my high school, I was talking to my friend, asking help to call “him” because I have decided to tell/admit my feelings to him. I told my friend, “gusto ko siya makausap, yung kami lang, posible ba ‘yon?” then she answered directly to my face “hindi” of course I asked why, then she said, “HE’S TAKEN” then I asked, “kelan pa?” she said, “kanina lang umaga, sinagot na siya.” My world stopped. I was so speechless then. I did not know what to say. I was so devastated. A week passed when it TOTALLY sank in to me. I started crying CONSISTENTLY for the next five months [after a week of learning about their rel.]. There were instances that I would skip school [my alibi, I had a bad asthma attack :)] so I would not see them. I would skip school during occasions like, their monthsary, any event at school where we have to interact with other year levels, Acquaintance parties*, Valentine’s day, even Christmas parties*, even senior prom! But I changed my mind, last minute. Haha. So I only had 5 days to get my BALL GOWN done by the seamstress. DEFINE RUSH. At the day of the prom, the seamstress still have not done the bodice! Anyway, back to the story…
*third year-a bit of fourth year HS :)
It is only in June this year that I can HONESTLY and whole-heartedly say that I have finally moved on. Five years. Truly TIME heals all wounds. Before, it already became a habit to say “naka-move on na ko!” but in reality, it is the opposite. Now, I am really happy to shout to the world “NAKA-MOVE ON NA KO!” Maybe people will say at the back of their minds, “ang OA naman, hindi naman naging kayo.” So what? At least I know I loved truly and unconditionally. It is none of your business anymore if I chose to live a life loving someone who does not love me back the same way I do…if I chose to live in FANTASY [and at the same time in MISERY] for more or less 5 years. I cannot say that I am totally healed. Right now, I am still healing, its just that the pain is not that intense anymore as compared to the first two, three years where I try to divert my attention to other people.
A week before TODAY, I had a Playful Kiss marathon, the week of Bagyong Pedring. Since cable channels were down, I decided to watch PK on DVD. I was not able to finish watching for the whole day of Tuesday so I continued watching it on late night of Friday and Saturday. All the memories from my HS came back. Haha! It’s like I’m watching my story! I can relate to the lead character Oh Ha Ni, though I was not that aggressive. But her perseverance to show her care to Baek Sung Ju really reminded me of my self back in HS, even though I don’t get cared back the way I deserve to. A lot of what if’s came rushing through my thoughts. What if I became more aggressive [just like Oh Ha Ni] back in high school? What if I listened to our common friend who also served as our “bridge” to tell him right away my feelings? Would I be happier now? Would I be more contented with my life? Am I really ready to enter in such relationship? But if you’ll ask me, if fate permits, if given a chance I would still accept him. I would love to be his lover. :) And if ever that time comes, I will never let him go. Ever.
The pain is gone but the love remains…forever. A part of me will always be just devoted for him. Happy death anniversary to my heart!
P.S. Sorry if I was not able to execute well what I want to say/share to everyone. I popped a pill for my allergic rhinitis before doing this blog entry so pardon me if it seems SABOG, I am really uber uber sleepy while writing this blog. I will edit this tomorrow. All I want is to have it published TODAY.
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